You Take Away My Fear
by JustMeCelia
Summary: Karma thinks back to the time when Amy had problems sleeping at night and how she helped her.


I woke up from the ringing of my phone. I looked at the clock on my nightstand, it was 4am. I frowned, but still picked up, because I knew it was you on the other line. You didn't even wait to say hello, you just started talking. "Karma? I think it's getting bad again." I shot up in my bed, still groggy from the sleep, but at the same time wide awake. "Keep the light on, I'll be right over." You told me not to bother and I obliged. Or so you thought. We kept talking on the phone, I was so glad you called me. "Listen Amy, it's gonna be alright, you know I'm there for you." I heard the exact moment when you started crying and it broke my heart, it drew the tears to my eyes, too. But I knew that I couldn't cry right now, I had to be strong for you. It was the third time this month you called me in the middle of the night, telling me you couldn't sleep. You always said you didn't know why, but I know you good enough to know you were lying. It was okay, though. I know you didn't tell me, because you didn't want to relive the dreams. "You know what? This is eating me up, how will I survive living alone one day?" I smiled a bit to myself and said "You will never be alone. I told you, we will grow old together. Remember the first time you called me in the middle of the night?" I heard a small laugh escaping your mouth and I was so glad that old memories could make you smile in times like that. "Yeah, you came over the next day with the glow-in-the-dark stars. You know I love you for that, right?" "Yes, or course." But I also knew that they weren't helping anymore. The anxiety started to get worse with every attack and it was always at night. And that's what made things really hard for you. "I really don't know what I'd do without you." The last words were choked and you started to cry again. I listened to your sobs, because I knew that you just had to let it out. You and I both knew that you didn't even know why you were crying, you just were. And I couldn't do a thing about it. You cried so much it almost scared me, but it was necessary. By the time your sobs slowly went down I retrieved your spare key from your doormat, still on the phone with you and opened the door. I climbed the stairs as silent as possible and stood in front of your room. You didn't know I was there, and I just stood there, listening to your sobs, both through your door and through the phone. I took a deep breath and opened the door. You stood by your window, the phone on your ear, staring outside in the starry night. You turned around, shocked that you woke somebody in the house, but your body relaxed when you saw it was me. I closed the door and walked over to you and you just collapsed in my arms. You just let yourself fall and I tried my best to catch you. "Why am I not good enough, Karma?" You said those words in between sobs. We were both sitting on the floor, you on my lap, your arms around my head and your head in the crook of my neck. I gently ran my hands soothingly up and down your back. "Why would you say that?" I asked, trying to listen to your breathing, detecting if it was steady or not, but of course it wasn't. "Because I always lose everything. Starting with my father, he just left me. Then my mother, we never had a bond. And now life takes you away from me, because of these stupid fucking feelings." I take your shoulders and push you softly so you would look at me. "Amy, you know exactly that life had to kill me to push me away from you. I will never leave your side, I told you that before. I love you, I really do. And we will get through this together." I reached over to wipe away the tears that were rolling down your cheek and you leaned into my hand. I looked over to the bed. "You should get some rest, Amy. You really should. Can you stand up?" You nodded slowly and got up, walked to the bed and collapsed on it. I sighed and lied down next to you. You shivered so badly and I knew exactly that you felt anxious and tired and, well, you felt every emotion in this moment. But I knew exactly how to end this for you, even if it meant to overstep a line you drew weeks ago. I knew you needed it, and all I wanted was for you to feel better. You relaxed as soon as you felt my body against yours and you grabbed my hand. I was more than happy that you did, because then I knew that my method was working. I was your morphine and I knew it, I was the one taking away the pain that I caused. And I hated myself for causing it.

After a while your breathing got steady and deep, I felt your chest rising against my hand. I couldn't sleep, I felt the need to protect you. And I couldn't do that if I was sleeping. I remembered all the times I was eavesdropping on you and Shane, all the times he told you I'm not good enough for you, that I'm not a good friend and that I'm selfish. And he's right. I'm not good enough for you, no one really is. How could somebody be on your level, nobody can do as good as you do, no one is as strong as you are. And I'm the happiest person alive that you call me your best friend. I'm ordinary and you're outstanding. That was everything I could think about in this moment. I didn't deserve you, Shane was right. No one did. But then again I remember you backfiring, standing up for me, telling me that I'm the best person in your life. That I'd do anything to make you happy and that's true, but I'm not the best person, you are yourself. I was wondering how I deserved somebody like you, how did I get so lucky that you came into my life? You stirred in your sleep and I knew that it was starting to get bad again, so I scooted closer and pressed a soft kiss on the back of your neck. You were completely still after that, you didn't move at all. For other people that would have been a bad sign, but for you it was good. I knew that you slept like a dead person if you feel comfortable and it made me smile that you were comfortable in my arms. And only in my arms. I thought about Liam, and how he made me feel and it didn't compare to you to be honest, nobody compared to you. I couldn't sleep at all that night, I just watched you sleep and I watched the stars at the ceiling, until the first rays of sunshine made their way through the window. You never had the blinds down, of course not, you were too scared.

You stirred again, but this time I knew it was because you were waking up. I pulled away from you, otherwise you would've freaked out. You turned around to me with a small smile on your face. "Thank you." That's all you said, and that was all it took for me to smile, too. "I didn't do anything outrageous." I said, running my hand through my hair. You stretched and sat up in your bed, looking over at me. "You didn't sleep, did you?" I shook my head, but added that I wasn't tired anyway. I didn't want you to feel bad about it. You were the only one that mattered in that moment. You were the only one that mattered period. You rubbed your eyes and said you'll get us breakfast, but before you could get out of bed, I jumped up and said "Don't worry about it, I'll get us some, I'm gonna get some donuts if that's alright." You smiled at me, nodded and muttered "How did I deserve you?" You didn't say it for me to hear, but I heard it anyway. I blushed a little and quickly turned around.

When I got back from getting us breakfast (I got your parents and Lauren some, too. Only you didn't know that) you were dressed and already took a shower. Your damp hair was floating down your shoulders and I think it was its most beautiful when it was damp, I don't know why. It just was.

You looked at me for a while and I knew you wanted to say something so I looked back at you. "What is it?" You smiled and opened your mouth, but closed it again. You looked down at your hands when you started talking. "You know, everyday people ask me how I am, and how I'm doing, and I close my eyes count to ten and say 'How am I supposed to feel?'" You looked up to me, as if you expected me to say something, but I didn't say anything. "My arms are tired from holding the gun, everywhere there's shooting, but I'm out of bullets." In this moment I had no idea what you were talking about, I just took it all in. I looked you in the eyes and tried to understand what you meant. "Last night when I was wide awake, and everything was silent around me, but my pupils started to widen, to pace through the depths of the night. I'm in a state without sleep." You then took my hand, I still had no clue what the hell you were talking about, but I thought you wanted to explain what you felt last night. "I have no idea how to tell you, but I'm trying, okay? All I know that I can't see anything in this world, I can't see five feet in front of me and I have no clue why. It's always been that way. And maybe it always will be, I don't know. All I know is that I hate this feeling of fighting." I saw the pain in your eyes and I still remember every word as it was yesterday. "I hate this feeling of fighting, because the fight is endless, because the fight is against myself. This is a war I can only lose and I don't wanna lose. Because losing would mean losing you. I could never lose you." I reached out to touch your cheek. "You could never lose me, you know that." I wiped away a tear that escaped your eyes and you looked down to the ground. "When I'm with you, Karma, my legs aren't weak anymore, because there's no doubt whatsoever, I'm finally okay with who I am. I only need one call to you and you're there. You're my ambulance, you're my hope. Karma, you take away my fear and that's the best thing you do. That's why I love you so much and that's why I need you. You take away my fear, not all of it, but as much as you can take." I felt my heartbeat rising in my chest. I knew that I did that, but I never hear you say it. You never explained to me how you felt in nights like that, you never explained why I mean so much to you and now you did. I couldn't hold back my tears, they started rolling uncontrollably, but still silent. You jerked away from me, scared that you hurt me with your words, but I didn't let go of your hand. I couldn't let go of your hand. "I love you, too Amy." That's all I could say in that moment right there. This is all I had to say. But you just shook your head and withdrew you hand from mine, walking to the window. "But not like that." You said those words with so much hurt in your voice it was killing me. But in this moment I knew for the first time that you were wrong. And I was wrong. We were both wrong about my feelings for you.

It's six years later now, we've been together for six years and I still can't believe it. I sit in my small study that you granted me for my work and I try to write my vowel. You proposed to me 2 years ago when we were 20. After being together for four years. We both knew from the start that this is forever. All I can think about right now is the first time I knew that I loved you just as much as you loved me. The paper in front of me has wet stains on it, I didn't know I was crying. Thinking back to the time before we were together for real always makes me cry. I know how much I hurt you back then and if I could go back in time I would. I would to anything for you, I hope you know that. The sheet is still empty, I don't know what to write. On this sheet I should write my promises to you, the promises that I will keep forever, but everything I promise you is forever. On this sheet I should write how much you love me, but do these words to explain my feelings even exist? I could write down how we first met, the moment we first talked, up to the moment we first kissed. The first real "I love you" and, even if it would be awkward, our first time together. I could write about all our firsts, but I don't want to write something you know, I want to tell you something you don't already know. And that's simply impossible. I bury my head into my hands. It's 4am right now and the only light in the room is the small lamp on my desk. You told me to go to bed 3 hours ago, but I can't, I have to get this right. We said we wouldn't spend this night together, the night before our wedding. We wanted to be cliché for once. But we both knew we couldn't do it. Since college we spent every night together. I told you I would never leave your side and I never did in those 6 years. I was always there holding your hand when things got difficult and you never again had a bad dream. I'm proud of myself for calling you first my girlfriend, then my fiancee and hopefully tomorrow my wife. I couldn't me happier, even if I tried. I picture you in your wedding dress, walking down the aisle on Bruce's arm. An instant shiver creeps down my spine and I can't help but smile. How did I even deserve someone as beautiful and smart as you? I still don't get it. I will never get it. I'm so ordinary and you're everything good in this world. I remember when I promised to be your bridesmaid on your wedding, and I'm somehow sad that I couldn't keep this promise, but Lauren really does an amazing job at it. The sheet is still empty and I take a deep breath. What if I just write this down? Everything I just thought about? Everything I remember about us? It won't be a list of our firsts. It will only be my first. The first time I realized how deeply I, Karma Ashcroft, am in love with you, Amy Raudenfeld.


End file.
